Goodbye – song

I broke your heart because I broke mine,
Though we didn’t survive,
It was the best choice.

I am sorry, so, so sorry,
For breaking your heart, even though I broke mine too.
We were collateral damage, too broken to fix.

You were the best that happened to me,
I thought we’d grow old together.
We wanted it all and we wanted too much.
I was not ready and it caused us to break.

I am sorry, so, so sorry,
For breaking your heart, even though I broke mine too.
We were collateral damage, too broken to fix.

All that’s left are goodbyes,
The memories still survive.
Sometimes I miss what we had,
But I cannot turn back time,
And even if I could,
We would end up the same…

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Why?

The sharpness of a knife, the speed of a passing car, or bus, or train. A small pull on the wheel, to change the path of the car you’re driving.

That is my life.

All those possibilities to end it, to make sure all suffering is over. To stop the overwhelming thing called life, or adulthood, however you want to call it.

Either side is scary, the question is what scares me more? Dying, or being alive?

For now I just pull through, I keep on going, I know what’s wrong. I know so much and still, it is not enough. When the darkness comes, everything is swept away. So insignificant. The only thing that is left, is a big blanket of tiredness. The dark web of feelings that suppress everything but fear, sadness and any self worth that was left.

Everything is gone blank. Nóthing matters. You are hungry but even though there is enough food, it is too much work to prepare it. Your lunch is chocolate, chips, cookies, plain bread, a banana, everything that is there. That is easy and available. Even though you know it is unhealthy and you have the healthy choices available in the fridge.

You had so many plans and dreams. Some of them came through but you never enjoyed it. As soon as you reached your goal it got replaced, by the next thing. And with every achievement the responsibilities grew and other dreams faded out.

You keep asking yourself, is this life? Is this worth it? Is this what everyone is so happy about? How do other people accomplish all this?

Where are you failing?

Why are you not happy?

Why are you so tired?

Why is your life such a mess?

Why?

WHY?

 

How not to buy an apartment

Hi folks,

let me tell you how I bought my place and all the struggles that came with it.

First of all, I was so not prepared for all that is part of owning a place. Buying itself is actually the easy part.
Finding it took me a few months but I was lucky, I bought it just before the housing market more or less exploded. Prices went up like crazy, and still are quite high, but I was just in time to avoid all that.

I bought a small (71 square meters) flat, in an older building (build in 1972) in the town where I grew up. I love to move to another city but that was just too expensive so that is on hold for now.

Trouble started once I started renovating parts of it. I had trouble with the guy who re-did my bathroom and separate toilet, which took a while but it is settled now. Nonetheless it is not 100% the way I wanted it to be and that is still hard to accept and let go.

In general, probably it counts for every old building, none of the walls is straight. Your rooms are rectangular, but the corners are definitely not 90 degrees, the walls are not straight and neither is the ceiling. I re-did the kitchen myself, with my parents and that was a real challenge. All cupboards, closets, counter etc were straight and levelled, but the floor and wall were not. The purest nightmare.

Every problem we solved, resulted in another problem.

By now I moved in, it is not a 100% done but it is liveable. And it is great to have my own space and place. But the responsibilities that come with it are overwhelming.
Working 40+ hours a week, having a dog and boyfriend (who does not live with me) and running a household at the same time is exhausting.

Love,

C

General update

Hi there!

It is funny how you lose track of time whenever your life is busier than anticipated.

So many things have happened during the past year and I have not written anything for a long time. Time for a quick update!

My life changed completely, I am still miserable, since that is not that easy to get rid off after feeling like shit for the past 15 years, but there are some changes for the better.

I got a permanent contract, travelled some more for my job, bought an apartment, got into a new relationship (still not sure how on earth that happened) and I got a dog. Oh and somehow all my close friends moved out of the country, but hey, who needs friends anyway, right?

About Disenchanted Dreams
I am truly sorry that I did not post for so long. Writing has been my way of coping with stuff for a long time and I let it slide. Not sure if I did not need it or if I just ignored my needs to keep on going.
I am still not sure what the purpose of Disenchanted Dreams is, for now it is my online, irregular diary. My ‘secret’ place to blow of steam, to let all the darkness out. To find a way to relieve my darkness into the world so I can let go and move on.
A place to share my story, to show that life ís tough, growing up sucks. And I am hoping you will join me in my journey to discover if life can be fun again.

Disclaimer
This is NOT and never will be a self-harm promoting blog. I will write about my struggles with my (undiagnosed) depression and my personal experiences with life. I strongly encourage you to do what I do not, to seek professional help. For most people that helps, for me, I am still not in a place where I can accept help from anyone. After all, I am my own worst enemy.

 

Love,

C

Girl on the move #2 – Compilation

I lost the count of which number this should be, since I have made a few trips since the last time.

I went to Dubai, which is not fun during July though it could have been even worse. Temperatures of 40+ degrees Celsius and a humidity rate of approximately 60% feels like a permanent sauna. Also, I found Dubai to be boring. The whole city is all about consuming. Everything has to be bigger, more modern, shinier, more expensive.. it is one massive ego-trip. At least now I know I don’t have to go there again.

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After Dubai it has been quiet for some time, until I had to go to Naples, Italy, in August. It was my first solo-business trip and I decided to stay a bit longer and go sight-seeing with a friend after my business was done. Naples is a city of contradictions, and it made me feel sad. There are some beautiful buildings, which are badly maintained. It hurts to see those pretty structures decay. Naples has lost its glory. Though driving a rental car in that part of Italy was a nightmare. I am very happy that I survived without an accident. Italians speed, disregard traffic lights, don’t watch out on intersections, and they don’t speak English once you are out of the city.

Now it is the quiet season at work and I don’t get to travel that much. However I had a meeting in Zaventem, Belgium the other week. I like Belgium, the countryside is nice, they have some gorgeous cities, the food is good.. but the traffic is terrible. Belgians can’t drive, I am not sure which drivers are worse, Italians or Belgians. Sadly I did not have much time to go sight-seeing, and that week was exhausting.

Now the quiet season is still going in, time to wrap things up, recharge, and prepare for the next season..
After all.. Winter is coming!

A new beginning

There are many things you never imagine they will ever happen to you. Some of those things are small, like a robbery, car crash or winning the lottery. Others have more impact, like buying a house, or finding the seemingly perfect partner.
To be honest, I always believed in love but I never thought it could be better than I knew. I was so wrong, so completely wrong. And still it is an adjustment, the clichés that everything is easy when you find your perfect match are lies.
Life is not easy. Love is not easy. Relationships are never easy.
The only thing that changes, is how you think about certain characteristics.

My current relationship is the best example. It’s been more than a year after my break-up with the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. That dream fell apart in a thousand pieces once I realised that I was not happy, not with myself and not with the relationship. I did not want a new relationship, I was working on myself, I just started to realise so many different things about me, about my relationships with others in general, about everything. Life was becoming better, I started to have some good days where I could feel happy again.
And then I met him. At first I did not really pay attention to him, he was a temp at my workplace and I just came back from a business trip and needed his boss for something. During the next few days we started talking and pretty quick we realized that something was growing between us.
It scared the shit out of me once I realised that. There were so many things that would normally stop me from beginning anything serious with him. He smokes, he has a completely different cultural background, he is 12 years older than me, he has a quite unhealthy diet.. reasons enough.
But we could (and would) keep talking for hours, about everything, we have the same ideas about a lot of things, we like the same things and still have some differences. Which is good.

So I jumped, with my heart in my hands, into a relationship I didn’t know where it would lead to. By now I know that there are many reasons not to be with him, and I also know, there are so many more reasons to be with him.
I can be myself when I am with him, he loves me regardless of what I do, or say. We both have our ghosts but for once I don’t have to hide them but I can let them show. And he understands.

For once, I can just be.

Grey Zone

Current state of mind: a grey zone.
The past few days feel like a roller coaster.
Important, scary, decisions to be made while it feels that time is running out (though that might be an illusion, after all time is relative). In addition to that I am starting to grasp how much pain and frustration I am still carrying around. It hurts so much that sometimes I just want to give up and disappear. To just dissolve into nothing.

I feel paralyzed, by fear, by pain. I do not know where to turn to, who to ask for help. I do not want to ask someone to help. I do not want to be a burden, to take away someones precious time.

Because I do not feel like I am important, why should I be?

It is just me.