Time to tell you something more about myself. You already know about my ‘perfect’ past (wish it was) and my anosmia. Today I want to tell you something that troubles me everyday though apparently I am the only one who really sees the problem.
I am not social. Really, I am not. I almost never know something to talk about. I am not good at keeping conversations going. I don’t dare to speak up in a group. 98% of the time I just sit and listen. I am quiet. I am an observer. I listen. And I think a lot but I just can’t find the right words or timing to bring it out. And when I do, I am often harsh and it is seen as an attack but I did not meant it like that. But by then it is too late.
When I am alone with someone it is better, though not always. There are some persons which seem to never stop talking, and that helps. And when there is a good subject to talk about it is also easier. But I somehow never am able to think of good subjects.
It is not that I don’t want to talk. Really, you can ask me almost anything, every time and I will answer. Well, I probably won’t give an answer to everything but I will share my thoughts or opinion. In small groups I even speak up, sometimes. But more often I do not because it doesn’t matter, they don’t need my opinion.
The reason for this behaviour, or at least the reason I think it is, is that I am scared. I am scared to be seen as weird, as the quiet girl, or as the offensive one. I do have a strong opinion and I hold firm on to my beliefs until proven otherwise. Short: I am stubborn as hell! But often I am right.
But why do I care? Well, I think it is the reason that I have very few friends. I do know a lot of people, and some I do see as friends. But most of them only see on birthdays or once a year or so. They never ask me out, and I don’t ask them out. And somehow I think they often forget about me. For example, my best friend (or the one I see as best friend) forgot my birthday two years in a row. The last two years to be exact. She knows me for over 10 years now, and she forgets my birthday. I never forgot hers.
I am isolated, partially my own fault I think. But the others also apparently don’t care much.
How is your relationship with your friends?