The sharpness of a knife, the speed of a passing car, or bus, or train. A small pull on the wheel, to change the path of the car you’re driving.
That is my life.
All those possibilities to end it, to make sure all suffering is over. To stop the overwhelming thing called life, or adulthood, however you want to call it.
Either side is scary, the question is what scares me more? Dying, or being alive?
For now I just pull through, I keep on going, I know what’s wrong. I know so much and still, it is not enough. When the darkness comes, everything is swept away. So insignificant. The only thing that is left, is a big blanket of tiredness. The dark web of feelings that suppress everything but fear, sadness and any self worth that was left.
Everything is gone blank. Nóthing matters. You are hungry but even though there is enough food, it is too much work to prepare it. Your lunch is chocolate, chips, cookies, plain bread, a banana, everything that is there. That is easy and available. Even though you know it is unhealthy and you have the healthy choices available in the fridge.
You had so many plans and dreams. Some of them came through but you never enjoyed it. As soon as you reached your goal it got replaced, by the next thing. And with every achievement the responsibilities grew and other dreams faded out.
You keep asking yourself, is this life? Is this worth it? Is this what everyone is so happy about? How do other people accomplish all this?
Where are you failing?
Why are you not happy?
Why are you so tired?
Why is your life such a mess?