About Carina

20-something, realist, always fighting head vs heart, critical.

Girl on the move #1 – Cork, Ireland

Technically it would be part #4 but since I have not blogged about previous trips, this will be #1.

One of the perks of my new jobs is that I get to travel. And thus am I now writing this blog in Cork, Ireland.

From Amsterdam Airport (Schiphol) with Aer Lingus it takes about an hour to fly to ORK (Cork Airport) and from the Airport you need about 10 minutes by car (taxi = about 20 euros) to arrive at the city center.

I am not sure yet what to think of Cork. The city has some nice streets (and nice murals!) but overall the houses are not well maintained and the city feels dirty. The people are nice though and I do feel safe while walking even trough deserted streets. However they are probable deserted because it is Sunday and not because I am in the wrong part of town.

What I like here is that there are colorful houses. It helps to disregard the rainy weather. Luckily it is no heavy downpour just some drizzling spray. Also there are some nice old buildings and the obligatory few churches.
Shopping is okay, there is not much but it could have been worse. Though you should not visit Cork for a shopping spree since prices here are higher than in The Netherlands or Germany.


Fitness-update (6)

Hi guys, and girls,

It has been more than two years since my last fitness update. A lot has happened during those two years and since I’ve started a new work-out routine I thought it’d be nice to write an update.
Also, I hope that blogging about it will help me stick to it.

In my last update (click here) I wrote about some issues with my shoulder and that I just had bought my hiking boots. Also I wanted to work out more.
That did not really go well. I did spend 10 days in Austria, hiking almost every day during August 2014. And I did some occasional work outs. But I had no routine, no motivation, to stick to a good work out.

To be completely honest, being in a dark place does not help with sticking to a work out but by now, two years later I have improved some things.
First of all, I started with yoga. I started with Bikram Yoga (a pre-defined set of 26 poses at approximately 42 degrees Celcius), which I loved, but my skin hated. So after 20 times of going to Bikram, I dropped out since I was permanently itchy and covered with rashes.

Thas was Summer 2015 already and a few weeks later I started with another yoga class. I am still going to that one, though it is very calm and has also some yoga-theory and a lot of meditation. Which actually helps me in becoming calmer and, at least I hope so, more balanced.

I have not written about it here, but sinds March 2016, I am working 40 hours a week. My company often participates in runs and since I thought it would be nice to join them once in a while, I started running. Funny enough I have hated running forever, I tried several times but never pulled through since I had no patience to build it all up.
This time I am running with a program which tells me when to run, when to walk and so far so good. I am almost done with week 2 and it is going pretty well, as long as I do not quit.

The only thing I really need to do more, is lifting weights, since I want to become stronger.

So, that was my update. I think I have improved a bit, sort of. Working hard on a version 3.0 of myself!!

Isn’t it ironic

I think that starting with yoga was one of the best things I could ever have done. I truly believe that before I started with doing yoga regularly I went through a whole sub-conscious process. But since I started with yoga, I discovered multiple new things about myself.
I can call them revelations but that might be a bit too much. I came from a dark place in my mind, a place where I did not feel worthy of existing. I thought of myself as a failure, I wanted to die, to just stop existing because life was so hard, so painful, and so dark. I was unhappy in every aspect. Nothing was good enough. I was not good enough.

Somewhere along the way, I was done with myself. I do not remember what really happened but when I am now looking back, I can clearly see the difference. Just a few weeks ago, I realised that it took me more than 16 years to realise that I am beautiful, and that I belong in this world. When I now look into the mirror, I see a beautiful young woman. And I think that this is another important step on the road to a happy life.

My story goes on…

Current events

My heart breaks, every time I see the news on tv. I  feel broken when I look at what society has become. Everywhere you look you only see pain, despair and anger. A lot of anger.

I am scared too, scared for another world war. Scared that even my home will be a target for misery. Scared that we are not good enough to stop going down this dark path we are currently on.
A few years ago, it was the end of the world that scared us. Pollution and climate change. We would all be drowning, there would be no more oil, we were dooming ourselves. Nowadays it are the refugees we are drowning in. And increasing political fights, which cost more and more lives.

I do not blame the refugees, at least not for everything. I do understand that all they want is safety. A new home, wealth and luck, in the oh so glorious western world. I really do get that, it is what we all want. Love, peace and happiness.
However I cannot understand why they act so ungrateful. Why they attack our women and children. Why they feel obliged to be even better treated than our own inhabitants. They are given food, transport, housing, even money. Is it too much to ask for a normal behavior in return? They are coming to us, the western ‘modern’ world, but do not adapt to our values. We have our own problems but still open our arms for refugees as everyone deserves a chance. And in return we get mass-attacks on women, snobbish behavior, protests that the housing is not good enough (really?? who cares that it used to be a prison, it is a roof, it is warm, it is dry, we barely have room for our own children but alright…).

It is easy to sum up reasons why this is all happening, or that if we had acted different we could have prevented this. And of course we, as humanity, could have taken another path. But for that to happen we all need to be a bit less selfish, a bit more kind, a bit more open-minded. Sadly, however, we are not. We are greedy (Putin, Trump), angry, scared and hateful (Wilders, AfD, Pegida).. We are starting wars for nothing, I mean, what are we really fighting for?

Is it really worth it?

I don’t think so.
I pray, hope and try to believe that we can change this. However I also think that before we can heal our society, we need to crash again. And I am scared for what is coming. Because on this road we are currently traveling, the only ending I can predict is war.


Trying new things, even if they’re scary at first, is the ONLY way to figure out who you really are! We need to get lost to find ourselves.” Rachel Brathen (alias Yoga Girl on Instagram)

I guess she is right, but then again, she has already found herself whereas I still feel lost. I think too much and I am selfish (or self-centered, or both). I am driving myself crazy.

And the worst part? It is all in my head.
All of it. I am my own worst enemy and it feels like I am losing the fight. Every day again.
I thought fear was my greatest enemy, but now I know that negativity is just as strong. Sometimes I wonder if I am bipolar, or just depressed, or both. And then again I don’t want to know because I think it will only make things worse.
Also I have to remember that I am not the only person struggling.


It is said that when a door closes, another door opens. Right now it more feels like all doors are closed. And I feel like sh*t.
I just ended a relationship of more than 3 years. And I feel terrible because of it. I do still love him, but as a friend, not as a lover. It has been like that for a few weeks, maybe months and it broke me apart.

It hurts, to fight yourself, your feelings. When it all started he was the man I pictured my life with. And I still want to keep him in my life, and that is what I tried for the past few weeks. And it didn’t work. For him yes, for me no. I am so sorry.


*small update, we decided to try again though in June 2015 we definitely split up. I still love him but I first need to love myself. I can not be in a relationship, at least not fully committed. It is not fair to keep struggling together if I know that I can not function like this.


Hi guys,

Someone told me that I get angry at the people in my life for not meeting my (high) standards without even giving them a chance to meet them. Because I don’t tell them what my standards are.

I never considered my standards to be high, all I want is a friendship based on trust and an equal amount of energy from both sides to keep the relationship healthy. Is that too much to ask for? I don’t think so. Is it unfair to drop people if they don’t meet my standards? Maybe, that person was right about the fact that I don’t tell people what I want from them. I thought it was normal to expect from the other person in a friendship to invest as much time in it as you do. Is that so weird? I don’t know.

There are so many things I thought they were normal, which apparently are not. It is clear that I need to change my way of communicating with people. But I don’t know how.

I feel stuck. And confused.