Girl on the move #2 – Compilation

I lost the count of which number this should be, since I have made a few trips since the last time.

I went to Dubai, which is not fun during July though it could have been even worse. Temperatures of 40+ degrees Celsius and a humidity rate of approximately 60% feels like a permanent sauna. Also, I found Dubai to be boring. The whole city is all about consuming. Everything has to be bigger, more modern, shinier, more expensive.. it is one massive ego-trip. At least now I know I don’t have to go there again.

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After Dubai it has been quiet for some time, until I had to go to Naples, Italy, in August. It was my first solo-business trip and I decided to stay a bit longer and go sight-seeing with a friend after my business was done. Naples is a city of contradictions, and it made me feel sad. There are some beautiful buildings, which are badly maintained. It hurts to see those pretty structures decay. Naples has lost its glory. Though driving a rental car in that part of Italy was a nightmare. I am very happy that I survived without an accident. Italians speed, disregard traffic lights, don’t watch out on intersections, and they don’t speak English once you are out of the city.

Now it is the quiet season at work and I don’t get to travel that much. However I had a meeting in Zaventem, Belgium the other week. I like Belgium, the countryside is nice, they have some gorgeous cities, the food is good.. but the traffic is terrible. Belgians can’t drive, I am not sure which drivers are worse, Italians or Belgians. Sadly I did not have much time to go sight-seeing, and that week was exhausting.

Now the quiet season is still going in, time to wrap things up, recharge, and prepare for the next season..
After all.. Winter is coming!

A new beginning

There are many things you never imagine they will ever happen to you. Some of those things are small, like a robbery, car crash or winning the lottery. Others have more impact, like buying a house, or finding the seemingly perfect partner.
To be honest, I always believed in love but I never thought it could be better than I knew. I was so wrong, so completely wrong. And still it is an adjustment, the clichés that everything is easy when you find your perfect match are lies.
Life is not easy. Love is not easy. Relationships are never easy.
The only thing that changes, is how you think about certain characteristics.

My current relationship is the best example. It’s been more than a year after my break-up with the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. That dream fell apart in a thousand pieces once I realised that I was not happy, not with myself and not with the relationship. I did not want a new relationship, I was working on myself, I just started to realise so many different things about me, about my relationships with others in general, about everything. Life was becoming better, I started to have some good days where I could feel happy again.
And then I met him. At first I did not really pay attention to him, he was a temp at my workplace and I just came back from a business trip and needed his boss for something. During the next few days we started talking and pretty quick we realized that something was growing between us.
It scared the shit out of me once I realised that. There were so many things that would normally stop me from beginning anything serious with him. He smokes, he has a completely different cultural background, he is 12 years older than me, he has a quite unhealthy diet.. reasons enough.
But we could (and would) keep talking for hours, about everything, we have the same ideas about a lot of things, we like the same things and still have some differences. Which is good.

So I jumped, with my heart in my hands, into a relationship I didn’t know where it would lead to. By now I know that there are many reasons not to be with him, and I also know, there are so many more reasons to be with him.
I can be myself when I am with him, he loves me regardless of what I do, or say. We both have our ghosts but for once I don’t have to hide them but I can let them show. And he understands.

For once, I can just be.

Grey Zone

Current state of mind: a grey zone.
The past few days feel like a roller coaster.
Important, scary, decisions to be made while it feels that time is running out (though that might be an illusion, after all time is relative). In addition to that I am starting to grasp how much pain and frustration I am still carrying around. It hurts so much that sometimes I just want to give up and disappear. To just dissolve into nothing.

I feel paralyzed, by fear, by pain. I do not know where to turn to, who to ask for help. I do not want to ask someone to help. I do not want to be a burden, to take away someones precious time.

Because I do not feel like I am important, why should I be?

It is just me.

Girl on the move #1 – Cork, Ireland

Technically it would be part #4 but since I have not blogged about previous trips, this will be #1.

One of the perks of my new jobs is that I get to travel. And thus am I now writing this blog in Cork, Ireland.

From Amsterdam Airport (Schiphol) with Aer Lingus it takes about an hour to fly to ORK (Cork Airport) and from the Airport you need about 10 minutes by car (taxi = about 20 euros) to arrive at the city center.

I am not sure yet what to think of Cork. The city has some nice streets (and nice murals!) but overall the houses are not well maintained and the city feels dirty. The people are nice though and I do feel safe while walking even trough deserted streets. However they are probable deserted because it is Sunday and not because I am in the wrong part of town.

What I like here is that there are colorful houses. It helps to disregard the rainy weather. Luckily it is no heavy downpour just some drizzling spray. Also there are some nice old buildings and the obligatory few churches.
Shopping is okay, there is not much but it could have been worse. Though you should not visit Cork for a shopping spree since prices here are higher than in The Netherlands or Germany.

 

Fitness-update (6)

Hi guys, and girls,

It has been more than two years since my last fitness update. A lot has happened during those two years and since I’ve started a new work-out routine I thought it’d be nice to write an update.
Also, I hope that blogging about it will help me stick to it.

In my last update (click here) I wrote about some issues with my shoulder and that I just had bought my hiking boots. Also I wanted to work out more.
That did not really go well. I did spend 10 days in Austria, hiking almost every day during August 2014. And I did some occasional work outs. But I had no routine, no motivation, to stick to a good work out.

To be completely honest, being in a dark place does not help with sticking to a work out but by now, two years later I have improved some things.
First of all, I started with yoga. I started with Bikram Yoga (a pre-defined set of 26 poses at approximately 42 degrees Celcius), which I loved, but my skin hated. So after 20 times of going to Bikram, I dropped out since I was permanently itchy and covered with rashes.

Thas was Summer 2015 already and a few weeks later I started with another yoga class. I am still going to that one, though it is very calm and has also some yoga-theory and a lot of meditation. Which actually helps me in becoming calmer and, at least I hope so, more balanced.

I have not written about it here, but sinds March 2016, I am working 40 hours a week. My company often participates in runs and since I thought it would be nice to join them once in a while, I started running. Funny enough I have hated running forever, I tried several times but never pulled through since I had no patience to build it all up.
This time I am running with a program which tells me when to run, when to walk and so far so good. I am almost done with week 2 and it is going pretty well, as long as I do not quit.

The only thing I really need to do more, is lifting weights, since I want to become stronger.

So, that was my update. I think I have improved a bit, sort of. Working hard on a version 3.0 of myself!!

Isn’t it ironic

I think that starting with yoga was one of the best things I could ever have done. I truly believe that before I started with doing yoga regularly I went through a whole sub-conscious process. But since I started with yoga, I discovered multiple new things about myself.
I can call them revelations but that might be a bit too much. I came from a dark place in my mind, a place where I did not feel worthy of existing. I thought of myself as a failure, I wanted to die, to just stop existing because life was so hard, so painful, and so dark. I was unhappy in every aspect. Nothing was good enough. I was not good enough.

Somewhere along the way, I was done with myself. I do not remember what really happened but when I am now looking back, I can clearly see the difference. Just a few weeks ago, I realised that it took me more than 16 years to realise that I am beautiful, and that I belong in this world. When I now look into the mirror, I see a beautiful young woman. And I think that this is another important step on the road to a happy life.

My story goes on…

Current events

My heart breaks, every time I see the news on tv. I  feel broken when I look at what society has become. Everywhere you look you only see pain, despair and anger. A lot of anger.

I am scared too, scared for another world war. Scared that even my home will be a target for misery. Scared that we are not good enough to stop going down this dark path we are currently on.
A few years ago, it was the end of the world that scared us. Pollution and climate change. We would all be drowning, there would be no more oil, we were dooming ourselves. Nowadays it are the refugees we are drowning in. And increasing political fights, which cost more and more lives.

I do not blame the refugees, at least not for everything. I do understand that all they want is safety. A new home, wealth and luck, in the oh so glorious western world. I really do get that, it is what we all want. Love, peace and happiness.
However I cannot understand why they act so ungrateful. Why they attack our women and children. Why they feel obliged to be even better treated than our own inhabitants. They are given food, transport, housing, even money. Is it too much to ask for a normal behavior in return? They are coming to us, the western ‘modern’ world, but do not adapt to our values. We have our own problems but still open our arms for refugees as everyone deserves a chance. And in return we get mass-attacks on women, snobbish behavior, protests that the housing is not good enough (really?? who cares that it used to be a prison, it is a roof, it is warm, it is dry, we barely have room for our own children but alright…).

It is easy to sum up reasons why this is all happening, or that if we had acted different we could have prevented this. And of course we, as humanity, could have taken another path. But for that to happen we all need to be a bit less selfish, a bit more kind, a bit more open-minded. Sadly, however, we are not. We are greedy (Putin, Trump), angry, scared and hateful (Wilders, AfD, Pegida).. We are starting wars for nothing, I mean, what are we really fighting for?

Is it really worth it?

I don’t think so.
I pray, hope and try to believe that we can change this. However I also think that before we can heal our society, we need to crash again. And I am scared for what is coming. Because on this road we are currently traveling, the only ending I can predict is war.