Musings

Trying new things, even if they’re scary at first, is the ONLY way to figure out who you really are! We need to get lost to find ourselves.” Rachel Brathen (alias Yoga Girl on Instagram)

I guess she is right, but then again, she has already found herself whereas I still feel lost. I think too much and I am selfish (or self-centered, or both). I am driving myself crazy.

And the worst part? It is all in my head.
All of it. I am my own worst enemy and it feels like I am losing the fight. Every day again.
I thought fear was my greatest enemy, but now I know that negativity is just as strong. Sometimes I wonder if I am bipolar, or just depressed, or both. And then again I don’t want to know because I think it will only make things worse.
Also I have to remember that I am not the only person struggling.

Endings..

It is said that when a door closes, another door opens. Right now it more feels like all doors are closed. And I feel like sh*t.
I just ended a relationship of more than 3 years. And I feel terrible because of it. I do still love him, but as a friend, not as a lover. It has been like that for a few weeks, maybe months and it broke me apart.

It hurts, to fight yourself, your feelings. When it all started he was the man I pictured my life with. And I still want to keep him in my life, and that is what I tried for the past few weeks. And it didn’t work. For him yes, for me no. I am so sorry.

 

*small update, we decided to try again though in June 2015 we definitely split up. I still love him but I first need to love myself. I can not be in a relationship, at least not fully committed. It is not fair to keep struggling together if I know that I can not function like this.

Relationships

Hi guys,

Someone told me that I get angry at the people in my life for not meeting my (high) standards without even giving them a chance to meet them. Because I don’t tell them what my standards are.

I never considered my standards to be high, all I want is a friendship based on trust and an equal amount of energy from both sides to keep the relationship healthy. Is that too much to ask for? I don’t think so. Is it unfair to drop people if they don’t meet my standards? Maybe, that person was right about the fact that I don’t tell people what I want from them. I thought it was normal to expect from the other person in a friendship to invest as much time in it as you do. Is that so weird? I don’t know.

There are so many things I thought they were normal, which apparently are not. It is clear that I need to change my way of communicating with people. But I don’t know how.

I feel stuck. And confused.

Busy Life

Hi guys!

I have a lot of things I want to blog about, but somehow I don’t have the energy, or the time. Summer is over, sadly, and I feel like I have had no summer at all except for 2 weeks of holiday. So, what have I been doing the past few months?
Firstly, I have finished everything of my first internship and that kept me busy until the end of July. I am so happy that that is finished now.

Secondly, I applied and qualified for another internship, at a different research facility. I wanted to start with that internship in November, but that did not work out. Also, some things changed and I got permission to do my thesis at the same facility where I am doing my second internship which resulted in an earlier start date. Last Monday, the 15th of September, was the start date and wow, I have gotten so much information basically thrown at me. If that keeps going on like that, I’ll be very, ver busy for the next few months. But I will be getting paid for it, which is nice. Though it is not much but hey, money is money so I can’t complain (especially because the majority of internships is unpaid in the Netherlands). And my supervisor is very chaotic, always busy but very nice รกnd we have the same music taste so that is awesome!

Thirdly, I have started with an internet-based course on Pharmaceutical Bioinformatics offered by Uppsala University. It is not very time consuming but as I have to do it after a busy day at my internship or after work, it is quite challenging. For now it is doable, I just make stupid mistakes as I misread things because I am so tired. But at least I get moderate to good grades so I am happy with that. Luckily it are only two lectures a week and 1 assignment. But it will continue till the end of October so that is quite a while. Especially because I will have another course in October (2 days a week) and a big exam for my part-time job.

So, basically I have no free time. I’ll be flying and running in circles for the next few months. I do miss the writing, but I need to focus on keeping myself happy. I am focussing on a better skin-routine as my skin is still very troubled, and I am still focussing on a better sport-regime. My holiday consisted of hiking in Austria, and I really miss that. The amount of activity was very high and that felt so good! But now, I lack the time and challenging tracks. I try to keep up a small sport-regime for my arms (push-ups and dip-downs) and stomach (alias, getting that six-pack back, I know it’s there). But that is pretty much all my extra exercise. Oh and I try to drink more water, because I drink far too less.
So, that was my update for you ๐Ÿ™‚

Love,
C

Update

Hi there!

I know it’s been a while since my last post. The reason is that since I’ve stopped blogging every day, it is totally out of my system. But here I am again, with an update of the past few months.

First I have finished my 9-months internship and I am looking forward to 10 days of holiday in Austria. After that I will start my second year of my masters degree and I will be busy full-time again.
Secondly, I am still not sporting enough. I don’t do much on my own and I am lazy as fuck. Though I am steady with my weight (actually I don’t even care about my kilo’s unless they are over a certain number), my shape is getting.. wider? I need to focus more on moving my legs and I should start again with either the 7-minute workout or the ab-challenge.

For the rest, nothing is changed much. I still work part-time, I still have the same boyfriend (going strong for more than three years now :)) and I am still living at home. Wiehoe.

Love,
C

Socially Awkward..

Yes, I admit it. I am socially awkward and I have been that for a long time now.
I am not sure when it started but I think that it is linked with my history of being bullied. My history of being ruined, I have lost a lot of my (self-)confidence. I have lost my trust in people and I became lonely. By now I am so used to being lonely that I can’t open up to others. Whenever I try, I say the wrong things. I hurt people unintentionally. I ruin my life amongst that of others.

I am the quiet one, the one that is always forgotten. I am never missed. And have given up the hope to keep on trying. My friends have vanished, I have only aquintances left. Nobody knows my fears and dreams and hopes and nobody cares.

I am lonely.

I will win the lottery

Yes I will. Maybe I should say I have won the lottery to tune my mind like The Secret. But untill now, I mainly dream about winning the lottery.

I already have a plan about what to do with the money.

I would buy a house like this.And then I would buy a horse. And I’d go shopping.
I’d buy a new set of clothes, basics mostly. A few Levi’s jeans, some hand-made leather shoes, some nice shirts and a lot of cashmere clothing. I absolutely adore cashmere clothing! Oh and I’d buy real satin sheets.

I also would go to a professional salon like Rob Peetoom to get a new hairdo. I might even colour it, and I would pamper myself at one of the luxurious spa’s in Amsterdam while staying at the Waldorf Astoria, or Hilton, or any of the other top-hotels.

After the spa-treatment, or the day after I would buy a few cosmetic things. Brushes and foundation from MAC. Eyeshadows from Bobbi Brown, skincare from La Mer or La Prarie. Or Shisheido, or everything ๐Ÿ™‚ And I would buy a Mulberry bag. I love that brand but unfortunately it is a bit too pricy for me. Until I have won a few million euro’s of course.

I hope I did not buy that horse yet, because first I will travel around the world. I want to go to New York, cross-country through Canada. I want to go to Jamaica, Suriname, the Antilles, Chile,ย  Argentina. I want to travel through Kenia, South-Africa, Egypt and Jordan. I want to travel through India (though only highly secured..), Singapore, Thailand, Indonesia. And I want to go to Australia and New Zealand. And to all of Europe but that is close at home.
After that world trip I want to buy a horse, 2 dogs and 2 cats (or more, not sure yet) and want to enjoy my life in my perfect house together with the love of my life.

In short, I am going to win the lottery. I will. Because until now, all I have is the love of my life. It is a lot, but I want to pursue the rest as well and I am sure I will!